Camden House – Eric and Annie’s Room
Annie: Hey, you!
Eric: Me?
Annie: How is that I’m the one who has to watch every single morsel of food that I put into my mouth, and yet those crumbs turn into pounds and more pounds and more pounds, despite the fact that I’ve already puked most of what I’ve eaten the day before by the time I get out of bed the next morning?
Ruthie: Yeah, we’re fat and we’re sick.
Annie: And tired you know I’m really, really tired. It’s not like having a baby at twenty or thirty, I’m….
Ruthie: Old.
Annie: And I’ve got six months to go. Six more months. Six months of tryinig to wear clothes that make me look….
Eric: Like you’re having a baby. Our baby.
Ruthie: Yeah, our big fat baby.
Annie: Yeah, she’s right. You know that I was seven months pregnant with Matt before I was in maternity clothes. And now, at three months look at me, I’m fat. I’m old. I’m tired. And I’m fat.
Ruthie: Yeah, I can’t get in nothing of mine, neither.
Eric: You can’t get into anything Ruthie, you don’t fit into your clothes because you’re getting bigger and that’s because you’re getting older.
Ruthie: Yeah, just like Mommy.
Eric: It’s okay, honey, it’s gonna be okay.
Annie: It’s not gonna be okay, it’s only going to get worse. I’m only going to get fatter and older and tireder. And fatter. And then when I’m at my fattest and oldest and tiredest and fattest, then I have to give birth to my fattest baby ever probably with a world record head, you see it’s not fair.
Ruthie: Yeah, if you ask me, the only thing that you daddies have to do with making a baby is the fun part.
Kitchen
Matt: Dad?
Eric: Careful. Don’t make me lose my concetration or I might forget something and we don’t’ want that because the whole key to my life right now if focus. Focus, focus, focus.
Matt: Dad?
Eric: What?
Matt: I just wanted to know if Mom’s feeling any better.
Eric: She can’t fit into her parents okay. She can’t fit into her pants and she’s not going to feel happy until she can. I’ve been down this road five times and it’s a long and cranky road. Meanwhile, I have to find someplace to take her for our twentieth anniversary that’s appropriately romantic, yet doesn’t remind her that I’m the one who got her too big to fit into her pants.
Matt: I remember when you put on a few pounds, you were cranky, too.
Eric: Yeah but that was different, I wasn’t providing a nurturing environment for a developing human being. And I have to say, that if I were, I think I’d be thrilled, I’d, I’d be elated, I’d be….
Annie: Miserable…. You know, you think you know what it’s like, but you don’t, you really don’t. You know nothing.
Eric: Nothing.
Annie: Are you going to drop the kids off on the way to registration?
Matt: It’s not exactly on the way. Yes, of course I can. Anything else I can do for you?
Annie: Yes. If you ever get married, and if your wife is ever pregnant, just admit that she’s the one having the baby, not the two of you, not you and her, just her. She’s having the baby, the woman has the baby, okay? Just do me that one favor.
Matt: Promise.
Annie: And don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Matt: Okay.
Annie: Yes, I’m wearing your pants.
Matt: Hang in there, it’s only what? Six months?
Eric: Yes son, and while I try to balance the demands of the church with those of my pregnant wife, you’ll be right here sharing the misery and joy with your dear old dad.
Matt: Not if I can help it. I’m going to check out housing today, just in case they had a cancellation…. I saved my money this summer.
Eric: I thought you were going to get a car with your money.
Matt: Well, the way I see it, a car gets me away form the house during the day, whereas a room on campus gets me away day and night. Yes, I’m still close by if I ever want to visit. Or eat. Or do laundry.
Eric: Or borrow the car?
Matt: Yeah.
Eric: Well we only have two cars in this family and Mary, God help us, is going to be driving in a matter of weeks.
Matt: That still leaves one car.
Eric: Yes, it leaves my car.
Matt: You saw the pants, Dad. You’re not going anywhere.
Mary and Lucy’s Room
Lucy: I’m telling you, I know why I lost Kenny this summer. It’s because I wasn’t following the rules.
Mary: The rules?
Lucy: The gigantic best-selling book ever on how to get a man.
Mary: There’s a book?
Lucy: Yeah, and I’m following this book no matter what. Whoever the next guy is that I go out with is the guy that I’m going to marry.
Mary: I’m telling you, there are not rules. Each guy is different, every relationship is different.
Lucy: Yeah well, if you’re such an expert, maybe Wilson would have thought about sticking around town to go to college.
Mary: Well, maybe I didn’t want him to. Maybe I like going out with lots of guys.
Lucy: What lots of guys?
Kitchen
Ruthie: Nothing for me, just some soda crackers and maybe something that fizzes, please.
Eric: Maybe your tummy will be better by lunchtime Mommy’s always is.
Ruthie: Give me an extra paper bag, just in case it isn’t.
Simon: Just in case what isn’t?
Ruthie: My morning sickness.
Simon: Give it up, you’re not sick, you’re not tired, you’re not fat, you’re just trying to get attention.
Ruthie: Mommy!
Simon: Yeah, they get hurt, they always ask for Mommy even when Dad is standing right here.
Eric: Simon, it would be a great help if you’d just be a little nicer to Ruthie. This isn’t an easy time for her.
Simon: It’s not an easy time for me, either, Dad.
Eric: I know that, but Ruthie’s just a little girl okay?
Simon: Yeah you say that like being a little girl is a weakness or something, I mean if you believe girls are weak, you should try spending a day in my shoes.
Matt (o.s.): Simon, let’s go!
Eric: That’s, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean that at all.
Annie: Didn’t mean what at all?
Eric: I just told Simon to be a little nicer to Ruthie because she’s a little girl, mean that….
Annie: Oh, I know what you meant, and if you think women are so delicate why don’t you try passing an eight pound kidney stone.
Eric: Anything I can do today to make your life just a little easier honey?
Annie: Yes if you wanted to, you could go to the market for me.
Eric: I’d be delighted.
Annie: Here’s the list…. Stick to it.
Simon’s Classroom
Ms. Hanover: Ann, would you change places with Laura so she can see the board?
Laura: This is going to be a very good year for us.
High School Hallway
Lucy: I don’t believe in going anywhere without my lipstick. It’s a rule.
Mary: A rule, huh? Just how many of these stupid rules are there?
Lucy: They’re not stupid, they work. That’s why I’m a rules girl.
Mary: You know I bet I can get more guys than you can by breaking all the rules.
Lucy: This isn’t a contest., it isn’t about who can get the most guys, it’s about who can get THE guy, it’s about finding the love of your life.
Mary: Well, let the finding begin.
Crawford University
Connie (o.s.): Guess who?
Matt: I don’t know, but I’d like to take my time guessing.
Connie: Surprised?
Matt: I didn’t know you were going to college here.
Connie: Yeah I’m going to audit a few courses this fall, and if I do okay, then I’ll officially enroll in January and become a regular student like everybody else.
Matt: That’s great. I’m sure you’ll do fine.
Connie: Thanks. What are you looking for?
Matt: A room, an apartment to share, a big cardboard box, anything to get out of my parents’ house. I was away all summer in DC, and trying to fit back in is a little harder than I had anticipated.
Connie: Really? Me and my two girlfriends are looking for a fourth roommate for our two bedroom. It’s walking distance to campus.
Matt: Me and three women?
Connie: Why not?
Kitchen
Eric: Hey, this little piggy went to market and I got some fantastic grub.
Annie: On the list grub?
Eric: That, too. But you know what I was thinking? I’m thinking that maybe I’ll cook up a little anniversary dinner for the two of us tomorrow. Then I’ll send the kids off so that we can have the house all to ourselves, how’s that?
Annie: Okay, but first of all, I know you’re only doing that because I’m wearing your pants and you’re ashamed to be seen with me. And secondly, you can’t cook. And thirdly, I’m not crazy about the way you clean up. So thanks, but I don’t think so.
Eric: But honey, it’s our, it’s our twentieth anniversary, I’d like to do something nice for you.
Annie: Well fine. The find somewhere that doesn’t serve chicken where I can wear these pants. That would be nice.
Eric: Okay, why can’t they serve chicken?
Annie: Because I had my last chicken last night, and I’m never eating chicken again. I don’t want to hear the word, I don’t want to look at it, feel it, taste it or smell it, ever again as long as I live…. Chicken was not on the list.
Eric: I know, I’ll take care of it.
Ruthie: I’m exhausted. Must be all this extra weight I’ve been carrying around.
Annie: Honey, how about a nap? I’ll meet you on the living room couch.
Simon: Don’t ask.
Eric: Hello? Yeah just a moment please.
Eric: It’s for Mary.
Simon: I’ll tell her, Dad…. Mary! Phone!
Eric: That should do it.
Annie: Thanks, Simon.
Simon: Yeah, no problem.
Mary and Lucy’s Room
Mary: Sure, I’d love to go out Friday night. Great. So just give me a call before you come over. Alright, I’ll see you the, bye….. I guess that makes the score one nothing.
Lucy: This is not a contest.
Mary: Ooh, I’ll get it…. Hello? Oh, hey Jordan. It’s for me…. Thanks Jordan, I wish I could, but I’m not allowed to go out on a school night. But you could come over and we could shoot some hoops tonight. Cool. Okay, bye…. Two-zip. Maybe I should cut my hair even shorter.
Lucy: This is not a contest.
Mary: Oh, yes it is.
Foyer
Eric: Can I get you two some pillows and a blanket?
Matt: Are you feeling okay?
Annie: I’m just a little tired.
Ruthie: Me, too!
Eric: So how’s your housing search going?
Matt: Pretty well. You remember Connie?
Eric: Sure.
Matt: Yeah, well I ran into her on campus, and she and two other girls want me to move in with them.
Annie: Move in? You and three women?
Matt: It’s not definite yet…. Look, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like when you were in school. It’s very common for men and women to share housing…. We’re more mature at our age than you were….. Connie and I are just friends…. They have an apartment within walking distance to campus, so if we split the rent four ways actually cheaper than a dorm room, and probably quieter.
Annie: Well it’s your life, and it’s your money.
Eric: She can have your room painted like a nursery in twenty-four hours, so just make sure you know what you’re doing…. You don’t know what you’re doing.
Apartment
Connie: He’s really cool, he’s laid back, the perfect roommate.
Charlotte: Is he nice?
Connie: Very. He’s the oldest in a big family, so he knows how to share. And he’s very responsible.
Amanda: And we’re not going to be able to walk around the apartment in our underwear with a guy here.
Charlotte: I’m more worried about him walking around in his underwear. Who wants to see that?
Connie: Look, just give him a chance… Hi, Matt.
Matt: Hi.
Connie: Come in.
Matt: Hi.
Charlotte: Hello.
Amanda: Hey.
Charlotte: So, when can you move in?
Connie: I think maybe you should introduce yourselves first. Amanda, Charlotte, this is Matt.
Matt: Both of you.
Connie: Matt, why don’t I show you what would be your bedroom. The three of us are going to take the bigger one.
Amanda: Whoa.
Charlotte: Nice.
Amanda: Very nice.
Charlotte: Gorgeous.
Amanda: I’ll give it a go.
Charlotte: I’m game.
Amanda: So what’d you think?
Matt: Looks great.
Connie: Okay, but if we’re going to do this, I think we should have some rules.
Matt: Sure.
Charlotte: Of course, rules.
Amanda: Absolutely.
Charlotte: Like what?
Connie: Like no one dates anyone.
Amanda: That’s right, that wouldn’t work at all. What else?
Connie: No sleepover guests…. And no parties, unless we all agree…. And I think we should split everything evenly, you know that included rent, groceries and the electric bill…. So. There’s no reason why this shouldn’t work out, right?
Matt: Right.
Kitchen
Mary: So you think maybe you guys’ll win a few games this season?
Jordan: We’d better. I think we’ve got a pretty good shot at districts, but we’re going to need a lot better play from our guards this year.
Mary: So do the Lakers.
Simon’s Room
Simon: Laura, I have to get off the phone, I have to study for the test.
Laura: But I thought we could study for the test together.
Simon: On the phone?
Laura: Yeah, but we don’t have to study the whole team. We can talk about other stuff.
Simon: I can’t, there’s only one phone line in our house.
Laura: Then you should just come over.
Simon: I can’t, it’s a school night.
Laura: Then you should sneak out and come over.
Simon: That would never work. I mean if I could sneak out, I would never be able to sneak back in. There’s seven people in this house.
Laura: So just tell your parents I forgot my book and I have to borrow yours, just to copy the pages, it won’t take that long.
Simon: I can’t.
Laura: Don’t you want to be my boyfriend? I love being your girlfriend.
Foyer
Simon: Hey Dad could you drive me over to Laura’s house? She forgot her history book and she wants to borrow mine just to copy the pages.
Eric: Well, I’m kind of busy. Can’t Laura’s dad just drive her over here?
Simon: Here dad’s not home besides we don’t have a copier, she does. Look, I’m gonna help you find your keys, whether you decide to take me or not.
Eric: Okay, okay I’ll, I’ll drop you off, I’ll swing by the church, pick up my notes for my sermon, and then pick you back up.
Kitchen
Eric: Thanks, I must have left them there when I was unloading the groceries.
Lucy: Dad, Mom wants something from the Dairy Shack. Banana split, I’ll come along.
Eric: Fine. All I need is my wallet and we’re all set.
Simon: No, no we’ll just get you something, you don’t have to come along.
Eric: I have to drop Simon off at his friend’s house.
Lucy: Who, Laura? Since when did everyone start dating on school nights?
Simon: It’s not a date.
Ruthie: I want to go too, Mommy said I could.
Simon: Do you all have to come?
Lucy: Is it a date or isn’t it?
Eric: It’s not a date. Simon doesn’t date.
Backyard
Jordan: Foul!
Mary: Hey you guys, this is my friend Jordan.
Jordan: Hi.
Eric: Hi.
Lucy: Nice to meet you.
Simon: Hey.
Jordan: There’s something really familiar about your dad.
Kitchen
Connie: Hello, Mrs. Camden.
Annie: Hi, Connie, how are you?
Connie: I’m fine, thank you. I like your pants, those are very cool.
Annie: Thank you, and yes, I’m pregnant.
Connie: Congratulations. Matt didn’t tell me.
Matt: I didn’t know if I was supposed to.
Annie: Well, I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep it a secret much longer.
Connie: Do you need some help doing whatever you’re doing?
Annie: I would love some help. You see I can’t take anything chicken right now.
Matt: You know we could take all the chicken over to our new apartment.
Annie: So you’re moving?
Matt: Yeah, I just came by to get a couple of things. Y’know the girls thought it would be fun if all of us were there for our first night.
Connie: I also thought we’d feel safer, with the apartment being new to all of us.
Annie: Well, why don’t I go up and put a few things together for you.
Matt: That’s okay, Mom, I’ll do it.
Annie: No, you two get the chicken. It’s just so icky.
Matt: That was nice, but what about the rules?
Connie: The rules. Sorry, we’ll be like brother and sister, I promise.
Laura’s House
Simon: My dad is going to swing back by in about fifteen minutes to pick me up.
Laura: Great, fifteen minutes.
Mr. Cummings: Hi there, Simon.
Simon: How does he know my name?
Lucy: Because you’re my boyfriend, silly.
Simon: Wait, I thought you said your dad wasn’t home and that’s why my dad had to drive me over, and besides all that, what’s he going to think of me?
Laura: It’s okay, we’re an affectionate family.
Simon: Look, I think we’d better just copy this stuff.
Laura: We don’t have a copier.
Simon: You lied?
Laura: Of course I lied. You wanted to see me, didn’t you?
Dairy Shack
Mike: That’ll be thirteen seventy-five, please.
Eric: Okay… there’s just a little problem, this isn’t my wallet. It seems I left my wallet at home… No, no the thing is, my wife is having a baby, and well, you know how that is. Or not.
Mike: Look mister. I don’t own the Dairy Shack, I just work here. You know how that is. Do you have the money or not?
Eric: The one time I need the Bank of Simon…. Would you be willing to hold onto this hundred dollar bill until I can come back with something a little smaller? It’s okay I’m the minister at the Glenoak Community church….
Mike: Sure you are, buddy. So this picture of a naked lady must be a saint?
Eric: What?
Mike: It fell out of your wallet.
Eric: It did? I mean, it’s not my wallet.
Kitchen
Ruthie: My dad borrowed a hundred bucks from you.
Lucy: You have lipstick on your face.
Eric: I believe this belongs to you. I’m sorry, I thought it was my son Matt’s.
Mary: Oh yeah, like Matt has a jacket that cool.
Jordan: Hey, that’s okay.
Eric: I took this by mistake too, and since I didn’t have my wallet, I owe you thirteen seventy five. Actually I owe you a hundred, because well, they’re holding your hundred hostage.
Jordan: Oh, the hundred. My dad makes me keep that for car emergencies, it’s not really mine to spend. Pay me anytime.
Eric: Okay… how old are you?
Jordan: Seventeen. I’m a senior.
Eric: Just curious. When was the last time you shaved?
Jordan: Right before I came over. All the men in my family have heavy beards, you know high testosterone levels. It’s a heredity thing.
Eric: High testosterone oh, goodie. Be right back.
Eric and Annie’s Room
Eric: What, what’s wrong?
Annie: Is that the biggest one they make?
Eric: Yes… but I can always go back for another one.
Annie: No, you don’t have to go back.
Eric: I have to go back anyway.
Annie: There’s money in the coffee can in the kitchen cupboard.
Stairwell
Eric: I’m getting your friend’s money. And another banana split.
Mary: He just left. He said you could pay him back later.
Eric: Oh. Your friend also had a picture of a naked woman in his wallet. Just out of curiosity, how do you feel about that?
Mary: Well I feel like every time you ask me how I feel about something, you don’t want to know how I feel, you want to tell me how you feel.
Eric: In that case, I don’t like it… And I also don’t like that he has a hundred dollars either.
Mary (o.s.): Get me a chocolate shake.
Dairy Shack
Eric: I found my wallet see? This is my wallet. So the wallet with the picture of the naked women I had before wasn’t mine. As you can see, this is my wallet, with my money…. I was supposed to get the money from the kitchen cupboard on my way out, but I forgot because I got distracted by the owner of the other wallet.
Mike: You’re starting to give me the creeps.
Apartment
Charlotte: Can I help?
Matt: Thanks, I think I got it…..
High School Hallway
Jordan: I feel really cheap taking this, but if I don’t keep that hundred in my wallet, my father will kill me.
Mary: Does he make you keep that picture of a naked women in your wallet too?
Jordan: It’s not what you think. My brother gave me this wallet as a birthday gift and he put the picture in it as a joke, and I’ve just never taken it out…. Does Lucy know about the picture too? How come I never see her around?
Mary: She’s a rules girl, she doesn’t get around.
Jordan: What’s a rules girl?
Mary: They have like this handbook or something with all these rules in it for getting a guy to marry you.
Jordan: How old is Lucy?
Mary: Fourteen.
Jordan: Isn’t she a little young to be thinking about marriage?
Mary: Yeah I know, crazy.
Jim: Hey, Mary, are we still on for Friday night?
Mary: Yep. We’re on.
Jordan: Look, I’ll talk to you later, okay? And tell your dad thanks for the money.
Mary: Okay… Oh, hey Brad, did you hear they’re doing another Star Trek Festival at the Rialto this weekend?
Brad: Yeah, you want to go?
Mary: Saturday?
Brad: It’s a date.
Mary: All right… So how are those rules working for you?
Lucy: This isn’t a popularity contest.
Mary: Fine. I’ll just look at it as an experiment in proving that the rules don’t work.
Lucy: They work. I’m sure they work… Please let them work.
Kitchen
Eric: Hi, sweetie pie. I stopped by that deli that you like and I picked up some vegetable soup, a tuna salad and a fruit smoothie. How’s that sound.
Annie: Like you think I’m fat so you’re buying me health food.
Eric: You’re not fat, you’re beautiful.
Annie: Have you see me from behind?
Eric; Yeah.
Annie: And?
Eric; Beautiful.
Annie: I’m huge!
Eric: You’re not huge.
Annie: I am huge.
Eric: Honey, if I could be huge for you, I would, but I can’t.
Annie: So you’re saying that you agree with me that I’m huge?
Eric: No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
Annie: Maybe to you, but to the rest of the world….
Eric: Forget the rest of the world. You and me, the kids, that’s my world. I can’t believe we’ve been married for twenty years. I want to do something really special for our anniversary, you know whatever you want.
Ruthie: How about Chucky Cheese? We haven’t had pizza lately.
Eric: And why aren’t we in school?
Ruthie: I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t feeling too well. I’m a little gassy.
Annie: Honey, why don’t we go in the backyard and have lunch? And sit in the sunshine? That will make us fell better.
Eric: Is this a good idea I mean letting her come home from school? I mean we’ve let her play this pregnancy thing all summer, but now that school’s back in, shouldn’t we…..
Annie: She’s in second grade, not the space program, how much can she miss?
Eric: What?
Annie: That is not tuna, that’s chicken!
Eric: No, no, no I swear it’s tuna, I know how you feel about chicken, so I made sure it’s tuna.
Annie: I know chicken when I smell it, and that’s chicken. I hate chicken! I can’t take chicken!
Eric: No problem. I can make tuna.
Annie: Top right, top right!
Eric: We must be out.
Annie: It was on the list yesterday.
Eric: And so it was. You’re absolutely right. I’ll be right back with some tuna if I have to catch the fish myself.
Annie: Do you mind doing a few errands while you’re out?
Eric: I’d love to.
Apartment
Amanda: Matt.
Matt: Amanda.
Amanda: So, how’d you sleep last night?
Matt: Fine.
Amanda: I saw you last night. In the kitchen.
Matt: I don’t know what you saw, but there’s nothing going on between me and Charlotte.
Amanda: Well, let me just say that I want to be next in line for that same nothing.
Connie: Hey you guys, we got our first mail. Well, it’s addressed to occupant, but it was in our mailbox.
Matt: I’ve got to get to class.
Connie: Okay, what’s going on?
Amanda: Nothing. Nothing with me anyway.
Simon’s Classroom
Ms. Hanover: Okay you two, what exactly is going on?
Laura: Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. He was practically showing me his answers.
Ms. Hanover: Well, in that case I guess, you both can take the test over after school, in detention.
Laura: At least we’ll be together.
Crawford University Hallway
Connie (o.s.): Hey, rule breaker! Amanda says she saw you kiss Charlotte last night.
Matt: Actually, it was Charlotte that kissed me, and it’s not going to happen again.
Connie: You’re right it’s not going to happen again, because you’re moving out.
Matt: Why do I have to move out? Why can’t Charlotte move out?
Connie: Because you’re the problem.
Matt: I’m not the problem. And for your information, Amanda came on to me too, and as a matter of fact, so did you.
Connie: Oh, and you did nothing to make any of us come on to you?
Matt: No I didn’t.
Connie: Do you know what you are? You’re just, you’re just, you’re a guy.
High School Hallway
Jordan: Hi.
Lucy: Hi.
Jordan: Nice color.
Lucy: Thanks.
Jordan: Are you free Saturday night?
Lucy: Free?
Jordan: Available. Would you like to go out?
Lucy: Tomorrow night?
Jordan: Yes, tomorrow night.
Lucy: Sorry, I already have plans. Otherwise, I’d love to go out.
Jordan: What about next Saturday night?
Lucy: Saturday would be nice, but there’s this one thing. Aren’t you dating my sister?
Jordan: We didn’t exactly go out I mean, we played basketball. Besides I’m not interested in Mary as anything other than a friend.
Lucy: I see.
Jordan: So? Are we on?
Lucy: Sure, but who’s going to tell Mary?
Jordan: I’ll make you a deal. I’ll tell Mary, if you tell your dad.
Lucy: Okay, I’ll see you next Saturday. But do me a favor toss that picture, would you?
Jordan: Yeah.
Mary: What was that?
Lucy: Ummmm… Jordan is looking for you, he has something to tell you.
Backyard
Eric: How did you get home?
Matt: I took the bus. So I could get the car.
Eric: What happened that was so serious that you had to resort to public transportation?
Matt: I’m moving out, that’s what happened but it’s not my fault, I didn’t do anything.
Eric: Well you did something. You moved in.
Matt: So?
Eric: So take responsibility.
Matt: For what?
Eric For possibly not making the best decision in the world.
Matt: Why is everyone blaming me for all this?
Eric: I don’t even know what all this is, and I’m not blaming you at all. No blame.
Matt: It sounds like blame.
Eric: No, no, no, no blame, no again, I’m talking about taking responsibility, which is a very attractive quality in a person, even if you assume responsibility for something that is clearly and solely the fault of another person who absolutely can’t control what she’s doing or saying.
Matt: Are you talking to me or you?
Eric: I’m delaying going into the house, why?
Matt: Think you might take responsibility for getting Mom in a better mood, because in a way, we could blame you.
Eric: You know what? I can get her in a better mood, and I know just how I’m going to do it.
Simon’s Classroom
Ms. Hanover: You’re finished already, Laura?
Laura: I’m sorry about before Ms. Hanover. I really wasn’t cheating, I know the material really well. I kind of have a photographic memory. I was just looking at Simon’s paper to see how well he was doing, you know, because he’s my boyfriend.
Ms. Hanover: One hundred percent…. But next time keep your eyes on your own paper, eve if Simon is your boyfriend.
Kitchen
Eric: I’m desperate. You’ve got to help me. Please. It’s our anniversary…. No, any time that you have available…. Yeah, yes, yes I’ll hold…..
Mary and Lucy’s Room
Mary: I’d love to know how you stole my boyfriend!
Lucy: Boyfriend? You just played basketball with him. Once.
Mary: It was still a date.
Lucy: Not really.
Mary: Oh yeah! I kissed him good night. Ha! Bet you didn’t know that, did you, rules girl!
Lucy: I don’t care because you know why? Kiss or no kiss, you lose and I win. Or if you want to look at it another way, I win and you lose. Ha, ha…. Hey you’re the one who wanted to turn this into a big popularity contest.
Mary: Okay, maybe I did, but I only did it because I was annoyed that you blame yourself for Kenny. It wasn’t your fault that things didn’t work out. And I didn’t want you to start playing some game with these rules and then start thinking that you were a loser when they didn’t work…. But I guess sometimes they do. I’m sorry I went off on you.
Lucy: I’m really lucky to have you as a sister.
Mary: Why because my dates like you best?
Lucy: Yeah.
Simon’s Room
Simon: You can’t keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to ruin me.
Laura: Ruin you how? Financially?
Simon: No, morally.
Laura: You’re really upset, aren’t you? That’s cute.
Simon: I’m not cute.
Laura: Sure you are. And don’t worry, I’m sure I won’t ruin you morally. But if it makes you feel any better, I think you’re gonna make me a better person. I believe that, I really do.
Simon: I’m not so sure.
Laura: I am. You’re the nicest guy in the whole world, and I’m just crazy about you.
Simon: Look if we’re going to be boyfriend and girlfriend there have to be some rules. First of all, no cheating, no making out in front of your dad, and no lying to my dad….
Apartment
Matt: Thanks for packing my things… You really shouldn’t have. Since this was all my fault.
Connie: So you did kiss her?
Matt: Let’s just say, I didn’t not kiss her and that’s not the same to me as it probably is to you. But who kissed home isn’t the problem. The problems is, living with three women is probably not going to work out for me, I’m just sorry I didn’t realize it before I upset everyone.
Connie: Well, thanks for apologizing. And even though you’re not going to be a roommate, maybe we can still be friends.
Matt: Yeah, I’d like to be friends with you, but I’m really attracted to you, so that might not work out.
Connie: That’s a very nice compliment.
Matt: It’s the truth. So should I call you?
Connie: Well, actually I’m going to concentrate on my studies right now. But once I get in school officially, then I’d love to go out with you again.
Matt: You mean, like in January?
Matt: Well, I guess this is good luck, goodbye, and I hope I see you in 1999.
Eric and Annie’s Room
Eric: Happy anniversary…. I made some plans, but we need to be there by five thirty.
Annie: It’s four thirty, it’s now.
Eric: Yeah, well you can wear whatever you want, even those pants.
Annie: It must be a really nice place.
Eric: Let’s just say they don’t serve chicken.
Annie: Okay, okay, I’ll try but only because it’s our anniversary. Can you help me? What are we going to do with Ruthie?
Eric: You just leave it all up to me… Five-thirty.
Annie: Yeah, yeah… Great.
Mary and Lucy’s Room
Eric: Girls, I need a favor.
Lucy: Anything.
Eric: I’ve talked your mom into going out and I need you to keep an eye on Ruthie tonight. Why anything?
Lucy: Because I need a favor, too. I want permission to go out on a date next Saturday night with a really nice guy.
Eric: I’m sure that’s probably okay, as long as we know the guy. Do we know the guy?
Lucy: How would you feel about my going out with Jordan?
Eric: I’d feel lousy about it.
Lucy: Still, you trusted Mary with him so you’d trust me with him, right?
Eric: I trust Mary. I trust you. I don’t trust him, but I’ll try to change my mind. Just make sure that Ruthie is taken care of. And Simon… But don’t let Simon know that he’s being taken care of. He’s an adult now. He has a girlfriend, who, by the way, I don’t rust either.
Lucy: I’ve got a date!
Station Wagon
Eric: Okay, now.
Annie: You’re the best.
Eric: You stay right where you are. I want to get the door for you.
Doctor’s Office
Annie: This is the best anniversary we’ve ever had.
Eric: Yeah, it’s pretty great, isn’t it?
Annie: I don’t care if I’m old or fat or tired. We’re going to have a baby.
Dr. Landsberg: Yep. And we have a really clear picture.
Eric: We’ll have to take your word for it, because I can’t make out a thing.
Dr. Landsberg: Let me help you with that.
Dairy Shack
Annie: Thanks for going shopping with me.
Eric: You could have worn my pants.
Annie: I feel much better in this. Thanks.
Mike: Maybe we should start with the wallet.
Eric: We’ll have a couple of burgers, fries, two diet sodas and the supersize banana split. Two.
Mike: Got it. So is that the chick in the phot?
Eric: Her? Yeah that’s right that’s the woman in the photo. That’s her.
Mike: Man, you’re like no minister I know. Maybe I will go to church.
Annie: This is great.
Eric: Well I don’t know how great it is, but it is a chicken free environment.
Annie: What are you doing here?
Eric: What’s all this?
Matt: Well, we knew where to find you, and this is just our way of saying…..
All: Happy anniversary!
Annie: Wait a minute, where’s Ruthie?
Eric: Should we tell them?
Mary: Tell us what?
Annie: We’re having twins.
Eric: Me?
Annie: How is that I’m the one who has to watch every single morsel of food that I put into my mouth, and yet those crumbs turn into pounds and more pounds and more pounds, despite the fact that I’ve already puked most of what I’ve eaten the day before by the time I get out of bed the next morning?
Ruthie: Yeah, we’re fat and we’re sick.
Annie: And tired you know I’m really, really tired. It’s not like having a baby at twenty or thirty, I’m….
Ruthie: Old.
Annie: And I’ve got six months to go. Six more months. Six months of tryinig to wear clothes that make me look….
Eric: Like you’re having a baby. Our baby.
Ruthie: Yeah, our big fat baby.
Annie: Yeah, she’s right. You know that I was seven months pregnant with Matt before I was in maternity clothes. And now, at three months look at me, I’m fat. I’m old. I’m tired. And I’m fat.
Ruthie: Yeah, I can’t get in nothing of mine, neither.
Eric: You can’t get into anything Ruthie, you don’t fit into your clothes because you’re getting bigger and that’s because you’re getting older.
Ruthie: Yeah, just like Mommy.
Eric: It’s okay, honey, it’s gonna be okay.
Annie: It’s not gonna be okay, it’s only going to get worse. I’m only going to get fatter and older and tireder. And fatter. And then when I’m at my fattest and oldest and tiredest and fattest, then I have to give birth to my fattest baby ever probably with a world record head, you see it’s not fair.
Ruthie: Yeah, if you ask me, the only thing that you daddies have to do with making a baby is the fun part.
Kitchen
Matt: Dad?
Eric: Careful. Don’t make me lose my concetration or I might forget something and we don’t’ want that because the whole key to my life right now if focus. Focus, focus, focus.
Matt: Dad?
Eric: What?
Matt: I just wanted to know if Mom’s feeling any better.
Eric: She can’t fit into her parents okay. She can’t fit into her pants and she’s not going to feel happy until she can. I’ve been down this road five times and it’s a long and cranky road. Meanwhile, I have to find someplace to take her for our twentieth anniversary that’s appropriately romantic, yet doesn’t remind her that I’m the one who got her too big to fit into her pants.
Matt: I remember when you put on a few pounds, you were cranky, too.
Eric: Yeah but that was different, I wasn’t providing a nurturing environment for a developing human being. And I have to say, that if I were, I think I’d be thrilled, I’d, I’d be elated, I’d be….
Annie: Miserable…. You know, you think you know what it’s like, but you don’t, you really don’t. You know nothing.
Eric: Nothing.
Annie: Are you going to drop the kids off on the way to registration?
Matt: It’s not exactly on the way. Yes, of course I can. Anything else I can do for you?
Annie: Yes. If you ever get married, and if your wife is ever pregnant, just admit that she’s the one having the baby, not the two of you, not you and her, just her. She’s having the baby, the woman has the baby, okay? Just do me that one favor.
Matt: Promise.
Annie: And don’t make promises you can’t keep.
Matt: Okay.
Annie: Yes, I’m wearing your pants.
Matt: Hang in there, it’s only what? Six months?
Eric: Yes son, and while I try to balance the demands of the church with those of my pregnant wife, you’ll be right here sharing the misery and joy with your dear old dad.
Matt: Not if I can help it. I’m going to check out housing today, just in case they had a cancellation…. I saved my money this summer.
Eric: I thought you were going to get a car with your money.
Matt: Well, the way I see it, a car gets me away form the house during the day, whereas a room on campus gets me away day and night. Yes, I’m still close by if I ever want to visit. Or eat. Or do laundry.
Eric: Or borrow the car?
Matt: Yeah.
Eric: Well we only have two cars in this family and Mary, God help us, is going to be driving in a matter of weeks.
Matt: That still leaves one car.
Eric: Yes, it leaves my car.
Matt: You saw the pants, Dad. You’re not going anywhere.
Mary and Lucy’s Room
Lucy: I’m telling you, I know why I lost Kenny this summer. It’s because I wasn’t following the rules.
Mary: The rules?
Lucy: The gigantic best-selling book ever on how to get a man.
Mary: There’s a book?
Lucy: Yeah, and I’m following this book no matter what. Whoever the next guy is that I go out with is the guy that I’m going to marry.
Mary: I’m telling you, there are not rules. Each guy is different, every relationship is different.
Lucy: Yeah well, if you’re such an expert, maybe Wilson would have thought about sticking around town to go to college.
Mary: Well, maybe I didn’t want him to. Maybe I like going out with lots of guys.
Lucy: What lots of guys?
Kitchen
Ruthie: Nothing for me, just some soda crackers and maybe something that fizzes, please.
Eric: Maybe your tummy will be better by lunchtime Mommy’s always is.
Ruthie: Give me an extra paper bag, just in case it isn’t.
Simon: Just in case what isn’t?
Ruthie: My morning sickness.
Simon: Give it up, you’re not sick, you’re not tired, you’re not fat, you’re just trying to get attention.
Ruthie: Mommy!
Simon: Yeah, they get hurt, they always ask for Mommy even when Dad is standing right here.
Eric: Simon, it would be a great help if you’d just be a little nicer to Ruthie. This isn’t an easy time for her.
Simon: It’s not an easy time for me, either, Dad.
Eric: I know that, but Ruthie’s just a little girl okay?
Simon: Yeah you say that like being a little girl is a weakness or something, I mean if you believe girls are weak, you should try spending a day in my shoes.
Matt (o.s.): Simon, let’s go!
Eric: That’s, that’s not what I meant. I didn’t mean that at all.
Annie: Didn’t mean what at all?
Eric: I just told Simon to be a little nicer to Ruthie because she’s a little girl, mean that….
Annie: Oh, I know what you meant, and if you think women are so delicate why don’t you try passing an eight pound kidney stone.
Eric: Anything I can do today to make your life just a little easier honey?
Annie: Yes if you wanted to, you could go to the market for me.
Eric: I’d be delighted.
Annie: Here’s the list…. Stick to it.
Simon’s Classroom
Ms. Hanover: Ann, would you change places with Laura so she can see the board?
Laura: This is going to be a very good year for us.
High School Hallway
Lucy: I don’t believe in going anywhere without my lipstick. It’s a rule.
Mary: A rule, huh? Just how many of these stupid rules are there?
Lucy: They’re not stupid, they work. That’s why I’m a rules girl.
Mary: You know I bet I can get more guys than you can by breaking all the rules.
Lucy: This isn’t a contest., it isn’t about who can get the most guys, it’s about who can get THE guy, it’s about finding the love of your life.
Mary: Well, let the finding begin.
Crawford University
Connie (o.s.): Guess who?
Matt: I don’t know, but I’d like to take my time guessing.
Connie: Surprised?
Matt: I didn’t know you were going to college here.
Connie: Yeah I’m going to audit a few courses this fall, and if I do okay, then I’ll officially enroll in January and become a regular student like everybody else.
Matt: That’s great. I’m sure you’ll do fine.
Connie: Thanks. What are you looking for?
Matt: A room, an apartment to share, a big cardboard box, anything to get out of my parents’ house. I was away all summer in DC, and trying to fit back in is a little harder than I had anticipated.
Connie: Really? Me and my two girlfriends are looking for a fourth roommate for our two bedroom. It’s walking distance to campus.
Matt: Me and three women?
Connie: Why not?
Kitchen
Eric: Hey, this little piggy went to market and I got some fantastic grub.
Annie: On the list grub?
Eric: That, too. But you know what I was thinking? I’m thinking that maybe I’ll cook up a little anniversary dinner for the two of us tomorrow. Then I’ll send the kids off so that we can have the house all to ourselves, how’s that?
Annie: Okay, but first of all, I know you’re only doing that because I’m wearing your pants and you’re ashamed to be seen with me. And secondly, you can’t cook. And thirdly, I’m not crazy about the way you clean up. So thanks, but I don’t think so.
Eric: But honey, it’s our, it’s our twentieth anniversary, I’d like to do something nice for you.
Annie: Well fine. The find somewhere that doesn’t serve chicken where I can wear these pants. That would be nice.
Eric: Okay, why can’t they serve chicken?
Annie: Because I had my last chicken last night, and I’m never eating chicken again. I don’t want to hear the word, I don’t want to look at it, feel it, taste it or smell it, ever again as long as I live…. Chicken was not on the list.
Eric: I know, I’ll take care of it.
Ruthie: I’m exhausted. Must be all this extra weight I’ve been carrying around.
Annie: Honey, how about a nap? I’ll meet you on the living room couch.
Simon: Don’t ask.
Eric: Hello? Yeah just a moment please.
Eric: It’s for Mary.
Simon: I’ll tell her, Dad…. Mary! Phone!
Eric: That should do it.
Annie: Thanks, Simon.
Simon: Yeah, no problem.
Mary and Lucy’s Room
Mary: Sure, I’d love to go out Friday night. Great. So just give me a call before you come over. Alright, I’ll see you the, bye….. I guess that makes the score one nothing.
Lucy: This is not a contest.
Mary: Ooh, I’ll get it…. Hello? Oh, hey Jordan. It’s for me…. Thanks Jordan, I wish I could, but I’m not allowed to go out on a school night. But you could come over and we could shoot some hoops tonight. Cool. Okay, bye…. Two-zip. Maybe I should cut my hair even shorter.
Lucy: This is not a contest.
Mary: Oh, yes it is.
Foyer
Eric: Can I get you two some pillows and a blanket?
Matt: Are you feeling okay?
Annie: I’m just a little tired.
Ruthie: Me, too!
Eric: So how’s your housing search going?
Matt: Pretty well. You remember Connie?
Eric: Sure.
Matt: Yeah, well I ran into her on campus, and she and two other girls want me to move in with them.
Annie: Move in? You and three women?
Matt: It’s not definite yet…. Look, I know what you’re thinking, but it’s not like when you were in school. It’s very common for men and women to share housing…. We’re more mature at our age than you were….. Connie and I are just friends…. They have an apartment within walking distance to campus, so if we split the rent four ways actually cheaper than a dorm room, and probably quieter.
Annie: Well it’s your life, and it’s your money.
Eric: She can have your room painted like a nursery in twenty-four hours, so just make sure you know what you’re doing…. You don’t know what you’re doing.
Apartment
Connie: He’s really cool, he’s laid back, the perfect roommate.
Charlotte: Is he nice?
Connie: Very. He’s the oldest in a big family, so he knows how to share. And he’s very responsible.
Amanda: And we’re not going to be able to walk around the apartment in our underwear with a guy here.
Charlotte: I’m more worried about him walking around in his underwear. Who wants to see that?
Connie: Look, just give him a chance… Hi, Matt.
Matt: Hi.
Connie: Come in.
Matt: Hi.
Charlotte: Hello.
Amanda: Hey.
Charlotte: So, when can you move in?
Connie: I think maybe you should introduce yourselves first. Amanda, Charlotte, this is Matt.
Matt: Both of you.
Connie: Matt, why don’t I show you what would be your bedroom. The three of us are going to take the bigger one.
Amanda: Whoa.
Charlotte: Nice.
Amanda: Very nice.
Charlotte: Gorgeous.
Amanda: I’ll give it a go.
Charlotte: I’m game.
Amanda: So what’d you think?
Matt: Looks great.
Connie: Okay, but if we’re going to do this, I think we should have some rules.
Matt: Sure.
Charlotte: Of course, rules.
Amanda: Absolutely.
Charlotte: Like what?
Connie: Like no one dates anyone.
Amanda: That’s right, that wouldn’t work at all. What else?
Connie: No sleepover guests…. And no parties, unless we all agree…. And I think we should split everything evenly, you know that included rent, groceries and the electric bill…. So. There’s no reason why this shouldn’t work out, right?
Matt: Right.
Kitchen
Mary: So you think maybe you guys’ll win a few games this season?
Jordan: We’d better. I think we’ve got a pretty good shot at districts, but we’re going to need a lot better play from our guards this year.
Mary: So do the Lakers.
Simon’s Room
Simon: Laura, I have to get off the phone, I have to study for the test.
Laura: But I thought we could study for the test together.
Simon: On the phone?
Laura: Yeah, but we don’t have to study the whole team. We can talk about other stuff.
Simon: I can’t, there’s only one phone line in our house.
Laura: Then you should just come over.
Simon: I can’t, it’s a school night.
Laura: Then you should sneak out and come over.
Simon: That would never work. I mean if I could sneak out, I would never be able to sneak back in. There’s seven people in this house.
Laura: So just tell your parents I forgot my book and I have to borrow yours, just to copy the pages, it won’t take that long.
Simon: I can’t.
Laura: Don’t you want to be my boyfriend? I love being your girlfriend.
Foyer
Simon: Hey Dad could you drive me over to Laura’s house? She forgot her history book and she wants to borrow mine just to copy the pages.
Eric: Well, I’m kind of busy. Can’t Laura’s dad just drive her over here?
Simon: Here dad’s not home besides we don’t have a copier, she does. Look, I’m gonna help you find your keys, whether you decide to take me or not.
Eric: Okay, okay I’ll, I’ll drop you off, I’ll swing by the church, pick up my notes for my sermon, and then pick you back up.
Kitchen
Eric: Thanks, I must have left them there when I was unloading the groceries.
Lucy: Dad, Mom wants something from the Dairy Shack. Banana split, I’ll come along.
Eric: Fine. All I need is my wallet and we’re all set.
Simon: No, no we’ll just get you something, you don’t have to come along.
Eric: I have to drop Simon off at his friend’s house.
Lucy: Who, Laura? Since when did everyone start dating on school nights?
Simon: It’s not a date.
Ruthie: I want to go too, Mommy said I could.
Simon: Do you all have to come?
Lucy: Is it a date or isn’t it?
Eric: It’s not a date. Simon doesn’t date.
Backyard
Jordan: Foul!
Mary: Hey you guys, this is my friend Jordan.
Jordan: Hi.
Eric: Hi.
Lucy: Nice to meet you.
Simon: Hey.
Jordan: There’s something really familiar about your dad.
Kitchen
Connie: Hello, Mrs. Camden.
Annie: Hi, Connie, how are you?
Connie: I’m fine, thank you. I like your pants, those are very cool.
Annie: Thank you, and yes, I’m pregnant.
Connie: Congratulations. Matt didn’t tell me.
Matt: I didn’t know if I was supposed to.
Annie: Well, I don’t think I’m going to be able to keep it a secret much longer.
Connie: Do you need some help doing whatever you’re doing?
Annie: I would love some help. You see I can’t take anything chicken right now.
Matt: You know we could take all the chicken over to our new apartment.
Annie: So you’re moving?
Matt: Yeah, I just came by to get a couple of things. Y’know the girls thought it would be fun if all of us were there for our first night.
Connie: I also thought we’d feel safer, with the apartment being new to all of us.
Annie: Well, why don’t I go up and put a few things together for you.
Matt: That’s okay, Mom, I’ll do it.
Annie: No, you two get the chicken. It’s just so icky.
Matt: That was nice, but what about the rules?
Connie: The rules. Sorry, we’ll be like brother and sister, I promise.
Laura’s House
Simon: My dad is going to swing back by in about fifteen minutes to pick me up.
Laura: Great, fifteen minutes.
Mr. Cummings: Hi there, Simon.
Simon: How does he know my name?
Lucy: Because you’re my boyfriend, silly.
Simon: Wait, I thought you said your dad wasn’t home and that’s why my dad had to drive me over, and besides all that, what’s he going to think of me?
Laura: It’s okay, we’re an affectionate family.
Simon: Look, I think we’d better just copy this stuff.
Laura: We don’t have a copier.
Simon: You lied?
Laura: Of course I lied. You wanted to see me, didn’t you?
Dairy Shack
Mike: That’ll be thirteen seventy-five, please.
Eric: Okay… there’s just a little problem, this isn’t my wallet. It seems I left my wallet at home… No, no the thing is, my wife is having a baby, and well, you know how that is. Or not.
Mike: Look mister. I don’t own the Dairy Shack, I just work here. You know how that is. Do you have the money or not?
Eric: The one time I need the Bank of Simon…. Would you be willing to hold onto this hundred dollar bill until I can come back with something a little smaller? It’s okay I’m the minister at the Glenoak Community church….
Mike: Sure you are, buddy. So this picture of a naked lady must be a saint?
Eric: What?
Mike: It fell out of your wallet.
Eric: It did? I mean, it’s not my wallet.
Kitchen
Ruthie: My dad borrowed a hundred bucks from you.
Lucy: You have lipstick on your face.
Eric: I believe this belongs to you. I’m sorry, I thought it was my son Matt’s.
Mary: Oh yeah, like Matt has a jacket that cool.
Jordan: Hey, that’s okay.
Eric: I took this by mistake too, and since I didn’t have my wallet, I owe you thirteen seventy five. Actually I owe you a hundred, because well, they’re holding your hundred hostage.
Jordan: Oh, the hundred. My dad makes me keep that for car emergencies, it’s not really mine to spend. Pay me anytime.
Eric: Okay… how old are you?
Jordan: Seventeen. I’m a senior.
Eric: Just curious. When was the last time you shaved?
Jordan: Right before I came over. All the men in my family have heavy beards, you know high testosterone levels. It’s a heredity thing.
Eric: High testosterone oh, goodie. Be right back.
Eric and Annie’s Room
Eric: What, what’s wrong?
Annie: Is that the biggest one they make?
Eric: Yes… but I can always go back for another one.
Annie: No, you don’t have to go back.
Eric: I have to go back anyway.
Annie: There’s money in the coffee can in the kitchen cupboard.
Stairwell
Eric: I’m getting your friend’s money. And another banana split.
Mary: He just left. He said you could pay him back later.
Eric: Oh. Your friend also had a picture of a naked woman in his wallet. Just out of curiosity, how do you feel about that?
Mary: Well I feel like every time you ask me how I feel about something, you don’t want to know how I feel, you want to tell me how you feel.
Eric: In that case, I don’t like it… And I also don’t like that he has a hundred dollars either.
Mary (o.s.): Get me a chocolate shake.
Dairy Shack
Eric: I found my wallet see? This is my wallet. So the wallet with the picture of the naked women I had before wasn’t mine. As you can see, this is my wallet, with my money…. I was supposed to get the money from the kitchen cupboard on my way out, but I forgot because I got distracted by the owner of the other wallet.
Mike: You’re starting to give me the creeps.
Apartment
Charlotte: Can I help?
Matt: Thanks, I think I got it…..
High School Hallway
Jordan: I feel really cheap taking this, but if I don’t keep that hundred in my wallet, my father will kill me.
Mary: Does he make you keep that picture of a naked women in your wallet too?
Jordan: It’s not what you think. My brother gave me this wallet as a birthday gift and he put the picture in it as a joke, and I’ve just never taken it out…. Does Lucy know about the picture too? How come I never see her around?
Mary: She’s a rules girl, she doesn’t get around.
Jordan: What’s a rules girl?
Mary: They have like this handbook or something with all these rules in it for getting a guy to marry you.
Jordan: How old is Lucy?
Mary: Fourteen.
Jordan: Isn’t she a little young to be thinking about marriage?
Mary: Yeah I know, crazy.
Jim: Hey, Mary, are we still on for Friday night?
Mary: Yep. We’re on.
Jordan: Look, I’ll talk to you later, okay? And tell your dad thanks for the money.
Mary: Okay… Oh, hey Brad, did you hear they’re doing another Star Trek Festival at the Rialto this weekend?
Brad: Yeah, you want to go?
Mary: Saturday?
Brad: It’s a date.
Mary: All right… So how are those rules working for you?
Lucy: This isn’t a popularity contest.
Mary: Fine. I’ll just look at it as an experiment in proving that the rules don’t work.
Lucy: They work. I’m sure they work… Please let them work.
Kitchen
Eric: Hi, sweetie pie. I stopped by that deli that you like and I picked up some vegetable soup, a tuna salad and a fruit smoothie. How’s that sound.
Annie: Like you think I’m fat so you’re buying me health food.
Eric: You’re not fat, you’re beautiful.
Annie: Have you see me from behind?
Eric; Yeah.
Annie: And?
Eric; Beautiful.
Annie: I’m huge!
Eric: You’re not huge.
Annie: I am huge.
Eric: Honey, if I could be huge for you, I would, but I can’t.
Annie: So you’re saying that you agree with me that I’m huge?
Eric: No, that’s not what I’m saying at all. You are the most beautiful woman in the world to me.
Annie: Maybe to you, but to the rest of the world….
Eric: Forget the rest of the world. You and me, the kids, that’s my world. I can’t believe we’ve been married for twenty years. I want to do something really special for our anniversary, you know whatever you want.
Ruthie: How about Chucky Cheese? We haven’t had pizza lately.
Eric: And why aren’t we in school?
Ruthie: I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t feeling too well. I’m a little gassy.
Annie: Honey, why don’t we go in the backyard and have lunch? And sit in the sunshine? That will make us fell better.
Eric: Is this a good idea I mean letting her come home from school? I mean we’ve let her play this pregnancy thing all summer, but now that school’s back in, shouldn’t we…..
Annie: She’s in second grade, not the space program, how much can she miss?
Eric: What?
Annie: That is not tuna, that’s chicken!
Eric: No, no, no I swear it’s tuna, I know how you feel about chicken, so I made sure it’s tuna.
Annie: I know chicken when I smell it, and that’s chicken. I hate chicken! I can’t take chicken!
Eric: No problem. I can make tuna.
Annie: Top right, top right!
Eric: We must be out.
Annie: It was on the list yesterday.
Eric: And so it was. You’re absolutely right. I’ll be right back with some tuna if I have to catch the fish myself.
Annie: Do you mind doing a few errands while you’re out?
Eric: I’d love to.
Apartment
Amanda: Matt.
Matt: Amanda.
Amanda: So, how’d you sleep last night?
Matt: Fine.
Amanda: I saw you last night. In the kitchen.
Matt: I don’t know what you saw, but there’s nothing going on between me and Charlotte.
Amanda: Well, let me just say that I want to be next in line for that same nothing.
Connie: Hey you guys, we got our first mail. Well, it’s addressed to occupant, but it was in our mailbox.
Matt: I’ve got to get to class.
Connie: Okay, what’s going on?
Amanda: Nothing. Nothing with me anyway.
Simon’s Classroom
Ms. Hanover: Okay you two, what exactly is going on?
Laura: Sorry. I couldn’t help myself. He was practically showing me his answers.
Ms. Hanover: Well, in that case I guess, you both can take the test over after school, in detention.
Laura: At least we’ll be together.
Crawford University Hallway
Connie (o.s.): Hey, rule breaker! Amanda says she saw you kiss Charlotte last night.
Matt: Actually, it was Charlotte that kissed me, and it’s not going to happen again.
Connie: You’re right it’s not going to happen again, because you’re moving out.
Matt: Why do I have to move out? Why can’t Charlotte move out?
Connie: Because you’re the problem.
Matt: I’m not the problem. And for your information, Amanda came on to me too, and as a matter of fact, so did you.
Connie: Oh, and you did nothing to make any of us come on to you?
Matt: No I didn’t.
Connie: Do you know what you are? You’re just, you’re just, you’re a guy.
High School Hallway
Jordan: Hi.
Lucy: Hi.
Jordan: Nice color.
Lucy: Thanks.
Jordan: Are you free Saturday night?
Lucy: Free?
Jordan: Available. Would you like to go out?
Lucy: Tomorrow night?
Jordan: Yes, tomorrow night.
Lucy: Sorry, I already have plans. Otherwise, I’d love to go out.
Jordan: What about next Saturday night?
Lucy: Saturday would be nice, but there’s this one thing. Aren’t you dating my sister?
Jordan: We didn’t exactly go out I mean, we played basketball. Besides I’m not interested in Mary as anything other than a friend.
Lucy: I see.
Jordan: So? Are we on?
Lucy: Sure, but who’s going to tell Mary?
Jordan: I’ll make you a deal. I’ll tell Mary, if you tell your dad.
Lucy: Okay, I’ll see you next Saturday. But do me a favor toss that picture, would you?
Jordan: Yeah.
Mary: What was that?
Lucy: Ummmm… Jordan is looking for you, he has something to tell you.
Backyard
Eric: How did you get home?
Matt: I took the bus. So I could get the car.
Eric: What happened that was so serious that you had to resort to public transportation?
Matt: I’m moving out, that’s what happened but it’s not my fault, I didn’t do anything.
Eric: Well you did something. You moved in.
Matt: So?
Eric: So take responsibility.
Matt: For what?
Eric For possibly not making the best decision in the world.
Matt: Why is everyone blaming me for all this?
Eric: I don’t even know what all this is, and I’m not blaming you at all. No blame.
Matt: It sounds like blame.
Eric: No, no, no, no blame, no again, I’m talking about taking responsibility, which is a very attractive quality in a person, even if you assume responsibility for something that is clearly and solely the fault of another person who absolutely can’t control what she’s doing or saying.
Matt: Are you talking to me or you?
Eric: I’m delaying going into the house, why?
Matt: Think you might take responsibility for getting Mom in a better mood, because in a way, we could blame you.
Eric: You know what? I can get her in a better mood, and I know just how I’m going to do it.
Simon’s Classroom
Ms. Hanover: You’re finished already, Laura?
Laura: I’m sorry about before Ms. Hanover. I really wasn’t cheating, I know the material really well. I kind of have a photographic memory. I was just looking at Simon’s paper to see how well he was doing, you know, because he’s my boyfriend.
Ms. Hanover: One hundred percent…. But next time keep your eyes on your own paper, eve if Simon is your boyfriend.
Kitchen
Eric: I’m desperate. You’ve got to help me. Please. It’s our anniversary…. No, any time that you have available…. Yeah, yes, yes I’ll hold…..
Mary and Lucy’s Room
Mary: I’d love to know how you stole my boyfriend!
Lucy: Boyfriend? You just played basketball with him. Once.
Mary: It was still a date.
Lucy: Not really.
Mary: Oh yeah! I kissed him good night. Ha! Bet you didn’t know that, did you, rules girl!
Lucy: I don’t care because you know why? Kiss or no kiss, you lose and I win. Or if you want to look at it another way, I win and you lose. Ha, ha…. Hey you’re the one who wanted to turn this into a big popularity contest.
Mary: Okay, maybe I did, but I only did it because I was annoyed that you blame yourself for Kenny. It wasn’t your fault that things didn’t work out. And I didn’t want you to start playing some game with these rules and then start thinking that you were a loser when they didn’t work…. But I guess sometimes they do. I’m sorry I went off on you.
Lucy: I’m really lucky to have you as a sister.
Mary: Why because my dates like you best?
Lucy: Yeah.
Simon’s Room
Simon: You can’t keep doing what you’re doing, you’re going to ruin me.
Laura: Ruin you how? Financially?
Simon: No, morally.
Laura: You’re really upset, aren’t you? That’s cute.
Simon: I’m not cute.
Laura: Sure you are. And don’t worry, I’m sure I won’t ruin you morally. But if it makes you feel any better, I think you’re gonna make me a better person. I believe that, I really do.
Simon: I’m not so sure.
Laura: I am. You’re the nicest guy in the whole world, and I’m just crazy about you.
Simon: Look if we’re going to be boyfriend and girlfriend there have to be some rules. First of all, no cheating, no making out in front of your dad, and no lying to my dad….
Apartment
Matt: Thanks for packing my things… You really shouldn’t have. Since this was all my fault.
Connie: So you did kiss her?
Matt: Let’s just say, I didn’t not kiss her and that’s not the same to me as it probably is to you. But who kissed home isn’t the problem. The problems is, living with three women is probably not going to work out for me, I’m just sorry I didn’t realize it before I upset everyone.
Connie: Well, thanks for apologizing. And even though you’re not going to be a roommate, maybe we can still be friends.
Matt: Yeah, I’d like to be friends with you, but I’m really attracted to you, so that might not work out.
Connie: That’s a very nice compliment.
Matt: It’s the truth. So should I call you?
Connie: Well, actually I’m going to concentrate on my studies right now. But once I get in school officially, then I’d love to go out with you again.
Matt: You mean, like in January?
Matt: Well, I guess this is good luck, goodbye, and I hope I see you in 1999.
Eric and Annie’s Room
Eric: Happy anniversary…. I made some plans, but we need to be there by five thirty.
Annie: It’s four thirty, it’s now.
Eric: Yeah, well you can wear whatever you want, even those pants.
Annie: It must be a really nice place.
Eric: Let’s just say they don’t serve chicken.
Annie: Okay, okay, I’ll try but only because it’s our anniversary. Can you help me? What are we going to do with Ruthie?
Eric: You just leave it all up to me… Five-thirty.
Annie: Yeah, yeah… Great.
Mary and Lucy’s Room
Eric: Girls, I need a favor.
Lucy: Anything.
Eric: I’ve talked your mom into going out and I need you to keep an eye on Ruthie tonight. Why anything?
Lucy: Because I need a favor, too. I want permission to go out on a date next Saturday night with a really nice guy.
Eric: I’m sure that’s probably okay, as long as we know the guy. Do we know the guy?
Lucy: How would you feel about my going out with Jordan?
Eric: I’d feel lousy about it.
Lucy: Still, you trusted Mary with him so you’d trust me with him, right?
Eric: I trust Mary. I trust you. I don’t trust him, but I’ll try to change my mind. Just make sure that Ruthie is taken care of. And Simon… But don’t let Simon know that he’s being taken care of. He’s an adult now. He has a girlfriend, who, by the way, I don’t rust either.
Lucy: I’ve got a date!
Station Wagon
Eric: Okay, now.
Annie: You’re the best.
Eric: You stay right where you are. I want to get the door for you.
Doctor’s Office
Annie: This is the best anniversary we’ve ever had.
Eric: Yeah, it’s pretty great, isn’t it?
Annie: I don’t care if I’m old or fat or tired. We’re going to have a baby.
Dr. Landsberg: Yep. And we have a really clear picture.
Eric: We’ll have to take your word for it, because I can’t make out a thing.
Dr. Landsberg: Let me help you with that.
Dairy Shack
Annie: Thanks for going shopping with me.
Eric: You could have worn my pants.
Annie: I feel much better in this. Thanks.
Mike: Maybe we should start with the wallet.
Eric: We’ll have a couple of burgers, fries, two diet sodas and the supersize banana split. Two.
Mike: Got it. So is that the chick in the phot?
Eric: Her? Yeah that’s right that’s the woman in the photo. That’s her.
Mike: Man, you’re like no minister I know. Maybe I will go to church.
Annie: This is great.
Eric: Well I don’t know how great it is, but it is a chicken free environment.
Annie: What are you doing here?
Eric: What’s all this?
Matt: Well, we knew where to find you, and this is just our way of saying…..
All: Happy anniversary!
Annie: Wait a minute, where’s Ruthie?
Eric: Should we tell them?
Mary: Tell us what?
Annie: We’re having twins.
Fait par pitchoute
